


So why can't I

by Sienne



Series: Missing you [2]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Angsty again, I should've named it 'I don't know', M/M, excessive use of the word 'know'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 21:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6875017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sienne/pseuds/Sienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His whole existence could be summed up with the words 'I don't know'.</p>
<p>Hansol muses about himself and, inevitably, Bjoo, because there is no way one can be separate from the other, even now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So why can't I

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, this is angsty again. I promise the 3rd and last installment in the series will have a happy ending.  
> I used 'know' too much, but, well... And this did not come out how I wanted it to, but well...
> 
> I hope there will come a time when I will write sth I have no complaints about.

_I miss you._  
_I want to talk with you._  
_I want to laugh with you._  
_So why can't I?_

Many thoughts run through Hansol's head all the time. The funny, the sad, the amusing, the perverted, the wise, the stupid, the weird ones. There is one type of thoughts, however, that occupies his mind the most lately and that is the heartwrenching type.

He wishes it was because of a tearjerker movie. He wishes it was because of a moving book. Unfortunately, it is because of his best friend.

He wishes he could fix it, but does not know how. What he does know is that everything started with him, with him and his insecurities, his weak mind, weak personality, weak will, weak everything. Because he is a weak person.

I am gay, he tries saying in his mind, and the sour bile gathering in his throat forces him to quickly move to the restroom to hang over the toilet, because this has happened so many times by now he knows there is no stopping it. (It's better to let it all out and taste the acid that feels as sour as his soul.)

He is ashamed. He is ashamed of so many things he is not sure how he can function.

_(smile, take a selca, put a caption - the perfect recipe to show he is fine)_

Hansol wonders, when did he become such a disgusting person? He has never considered himself a homophobe before. But what else can he be if the mere mention of him and Bjoo together sends him into a panicked frenzy? He should be fine with it. He isn't. _Why?_

He has spent a lot of time musing on the topic. He has also come to a few conclusions. One is that he is afraid of being gay. That is fine, he decides, being gay in Korea is fucking scary. Being gay and famous in Korea is the stuff nightmares are made of, so it's fine to be scared.

Another conclusion is that he is frustrated, because he hates doubting himself. He thought he was normal

-sorry, heterosexual-

but here he is, being shaken in his beliefs because of strangers and their thoughtlessly thrown words. And he honestly doesn't know anymore. He thought he knew what friendship is, 

_(Hanjoo, I like it, he whispered into Bjoo's ear one night they stayed up late just to soak up each other's presence. It's like we are one forever, just one name for us both._  
_Best friends forever, Bjoo's breath washed over his ear and sent sparks through his body with happiness-_  
_it was happiness and not something else, was it? Or was it?)_

but now he is not sure. There are so many things he is not sure of, so many things he does not know, but the most damaging one it that he does not know himself anymore. Does not know who he is anymore.

He hates that he does not know himself but the fans do. He hates that fans know before he does. He hates that in the face of all that evidence he still does not know. Is he gay? Is he in love with Byungjoo?

Just who is Hansol anyway?

These are the things he is wondering about. There are more still. If he is gay... if he loves Byungjoo... then will his family continue to support him? Will they love him? Will they still be his family? He feels awful for not having enough faith in his family to scream YES with confidence. He is a terrible son, a terrible brother.

He is an even worse best friend.

Because he gets these thoughts sometimes. Like when he has been crying again, and did his best to hide it... Bjoo still knows. He knows, and Hansol is aware of it. And he is angry, because his best friend knows he's been crying for a goddamn nth time but doesn't do anything. Doesn't come up to ask _hey, what's wrong?_ , doesn't try to console him all ridiculous like _it will be fine, hey, we're in this together nudge nudge wink wink_ , doesn't. do. anything. So Hansol is angry at Bjoo, but only for a short time, because he knows why Byungjoo ignores his red eyes and splotchy face - it is his fault, so now he is getting what he deserves.

He knows that pushing his best friend away in this kind of situation is the exact opposite of what he should do. He should talk about it _(he wants to, god does he ever)_ , should explain his reasons, should stop hurting his best friend (am I still your best friend, Byungjoo? Or is Jiho?) with his selfishness and cowardice. But he can't, because Byungjoo is too important - so important, in fact, that it blows up his fear out of proportions. Hansol is really afraid of Byungjoo's reaction, and what he thinks of being called gay; what he thinks of _Hansol_ being called gay. Or does he already know, think, believe him to be, well, not _normal_ , too, just like the fans do? Maybe he's disgusted? And that's why he pushes Hansol off-

No, no, that's not it, it's not real, he does it for fun, Hansol repeats in his head like a mantra. Usually he does not need this kind of reminder, he realizes it's just to mislead the fans, and because it has become a part of their image, but...

but. When he gets insecure, he gets doubts. It's a great flaw and he can't help it, he tried he really really did and does Bjoo know? He knows everything about him without Hansol ever saying anything, so he should know that too. But does he really? Does he? _Does he?_

Hansol's not sure. As per usual, he can't help but mock himself slightly for it.

He wants to talk with Bjoo, desperately. But he doesn't know what to say. How to say sorry, how to explain his behavior. Because nothing is resolved for him, nothing is clear yet, and Hansol is afraid that after some time he would break and hurt his friend, again. So he needs to sort himself out first, but sorting himself out isn’t going smooth at all. It’s difficult and he's going in circles, always asking the same questions and never getting any answers. He doesn’t know where to get the answers, or how. He feels maybe he should talk with someone, but in the end he is too afraid and doesn’t know who to turn to because the only people coming to mind are his parents and he's still not sure of their reactions, still to scared of the possibility of... just, no. And Bjoo, of course, his best friend Bjoo, but he _can't talk to him yet_ , and it's a vicious circle.

Everything started with him, so naturally he should be the one to finish it. He still does not know how. He realizes there is very little he knows, even about himself. He scoffs that his whole existence could be summed up with _I don't know_.

"What a mess this has become. Right?"

Only, when he looks to his left there Byungjoo is not there. And he remembers -oh, _right_ \- and tells himself

_this is all your fault._


End file.
